89 year old Japanese Woman

Every so often my face gets hot, so hot that I can feel my face turning hyper color into a giant tomato. It’s a dead give away if I am embarrassed, or if I have a crush on anybody. My dad says it’s cute. I think it’s a fucking curse. But sometimes it gets the best of me, and turns out being pretty funny. Now, I talk to a lot of people day in, and day out. I got that from my mom. We literally talk to anybody we think could be remotely interesting. Variety is the spice of life! So I am having a conversation with an 89 year old Japanese woman, and boy did she get the best of me. Yet I am still single while there are homeless people who smell like hot garbage that have girlfriends and boyfriends. Even Charles Manson has women lined up at his cell door. My friend Anna says I am too picky. Okay fine. Anyhow, yet again, I digress. Here the story goes…

89 year old- Are you married?

Me- No ma’am.

89 year old- Ohhhhhhhhhh

Me- (laughing a little at her reaction)

89 year old- But you so pretty. I don’t get it. So sexxxxxy.

Me- You’re killing me! (laughing, I bury my head into my red hair trying to camouflage the red hot face) Thank you for the compliment. Your flattery is too much!

89 year old- (still perplexed) I have a son, but you are too pretty for him. Oh so pretty! So sexy! I don’t get it?

Me-  I don’t get it either.

Enters son… the 89 year old Japanese woman stops and changes the subject quickly.

 

-K.K. Powell

Mind…Blown….

Five year olds are funny in a sense that they just say whatever is on their minds. Aquarians are kind of funny too in the sense that they do the same. Not saying Aquarians are like five year olds…or are they. They typically march to the beat of their own drums… and so do five year olds.

Okay, okay enough. Now for the funny story of the day.

 

Five year old- Does your dog poop?

Me- Well yea, I mean if you think about it a lot of things poop…right?

Five year old stops for a minute thinking

Five year old- Yeaaaaaaaa

(Pretty sure I just witnessed her mind exploding all the possibilities of all the things in the world that actually poop!)

Me- Have a good one!

Five year old hollering as we walk away- Bye!! Have a nice day!!

It takes a village to raise em right.

-K.K. Powell

The audience.

Three fat sausage fingers slide up and down her shoulder.

His pony tail smooshed to the back of his head…shifted to the right.

He didn’t have time between his nap, and the show.

Too much pot he smoked before the show.

Shewp, shewp, shewp, shewp.

My eyes grow wide.

Fuck…I am stuck next to these two for the next hour and a half.

Schhhhleeeeerp

As the man on the other side sucks his spit through the canyons of his teeth.

The pulled pork threads sit locked and loaded

I want to hear the speaker speak,

I consider asking these annoying people to stop with their annoyances.

Shewp, shewp, shewp, shewp.

Scratch, scratch, scratchity scratch, scratch, scratch.

Scccchhhhleeeeerp.

My upset and overwhelmed brain begins to force my eyeballs out of my head.

I point a my index finger to my left ear to the incessant arm brusher.

For fuck’s sake.

Is the public display of attention THAT important.

Stop that already!

I visualize a mad man lunging toward him.

Grabbing his fingers, and chopping them off one by one.

Wait, is this a nervous tick?

Am I being a dick..?

My tiny index finger is this man’s saving grace.

Sccccchhhhlerrrrrp.

Please?!

Just go get some fucking tooth floss you indigent!!!

Nope, don’t say it.

Don’t be rude.

You drove a long way to hear this man speak…

The speaker speaks.

I fumble in my chair uncomfortably.

His voice rises just enough to muffle twiddledee and twiddledum.

A girl giggles nervously.

Another howls like she used to at a 1980’s arena rock concert.

My name is Ashley…

I’m thiiiiiirteeeen.

As she kisses her nineteen year old boyfriend on the lips.

Slips the tongue.

A french one.

We all know about THAT one.

I snicker.

He speaks, and reads me a tale or two

Then yawn

Lightning strikes from the rugged dark blue and grey clouds above.

His voice carries

as the thunders roll through the purple hills.

Crisis averted for twiddledee and twiddledum.

-K.K. Powell

 

Wild kingdom of Oakland, California

Wild rat scurrying from one bush to the next. My dog salavates, wiggling herself out of her collar moving so fast that she turns to a flash of white lightning. I scream, “oh my god! No! No! No!!!” with an incomprehensible gibberish…the dog is not distracted. Her one thought, “Does it squeak?” Her head buried into the bushes searching frantically. Right, left, left, right. “It’s gotta be close!”… but her luck has flashed right before her compulsive little brown eyes.  Wild cat sized rat is just fast enough, and safe. I laugh so hard at my great American wig out aka scream of fear of plague/rats safety, that I double over in laughter and let out a pigs snort. Attractive man behind me chuckles. Ah shit, save face! My face flushes hot turning red. “You should’ve seen the size of that rat?! It was the size of a fucking cat!” He tells me he would’ve been alarmed too laughing along with me. We part, going our separate ways. I utter to myself, “I’m a total mess.”  Large rats jumping out of bushes are a scary thought. Perhaps less scary if my wild imagination wouldn’t fling me down the rabbit hole occasionally. 

In the night before two cats scream, scratch, hiss, and attempt to end each other’s will to live. It was the talk of the neighbors as I arrive home with the cat sized rat chaser. The dog with pride jumps, and licks snorting away happily at the familiar faces. “Did you hear all that racket last night?”… the owner of my apartments eyes light up. I nod in agreement and state how bad it all sounded. “It was raccoons mating!!! I turned the light on them, and they stopped. Then five hours later they were still there. I wondered if they got stuck?!” Laughter flows, “You’ve got to be kidding me?” His eyebrows raised in amazement goes on to tell me that it’s the god foresaken truth.  Good thing I told the dog to stay close to me that night while she ventured into the dark night to relieve herself. If she tried to get into that action, my heart would’ve likely stopped. 

-K.K. Powell

Mt. Punk

Up at Mt. Shasta recently I have found my creative faucet is flowing again. I just needed some mountain time. So I leave you with this joke that I was told on a hike. You see, the people of Mt. Shasta can be very metaphysical in their beliefs, but also have a great sense of humor. As someone who used to have a mohawk once upon a time, I found this very funny. 

So Garth, the camp host told Critter from Ashville, North Carolina… who then told me-
You know those 3000 year old trees down there are very knowledgeable. I was surprised with how up to date they are, and they have a great sense of humor! Ever had a tree tell you a joke? Critter told Garth… No, but he was dying to hear it.

Garth said-

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he had a chicken stapled to his head!

I roared in laughter, a laughter so big it rolled through the meadows. 

-K.K. Powell

Tattoos and motorcycles do not guarantee…

Did you know a woman with tattoos, who rides a motorcycle, and appears to be a free bird doesn’t necessarily know about anal sex effecting breast milk supply? Take note folks who have preconceived notions: Believe it or not, people who are into different hobbies which may appear taboo…doesn’t always mean they are into those other bedroom kinks whatever they may be.

Everybody is just as individual as a snowflake.

So let’s share a story from the interwebs….

 Woman: “Hi hun how r u. …”

Woman continues: “Sorry to come here…but its maybe a little private subject… last week we were talking about nursing and breastmilk and my friend told me that anal intercourse effecting on breast quintity …like Physiological way she means … is that really true or do u have heared about this … actully we start to do it 2 year ago before our baby…and not addicted at all…like couple time in a month. But I didn’t think to focuse on, if its really effect or quintity or not.

Woman continues on: “Are you anger of my qestion ?”

Woman continues to continue on: “I didnt mean to be rude really”

Commentary: (Okay so she is obviously not bright, hence the grammatical errors, but I am just here to tell the story. We didn’t all pay ALL the attention in school, nor did we all win the spelling bee. So just stay with me.)

Friend: “Hi! I’ve never heard of that before, & I doubt that anal effects breastmilk quantity. The only things I’ve heard that do are: nutrition, hydration, stress, and how often the baby feeds.

Woman: “You are saying that of experiance.. or only you think?”

Woman continues: “Becouse some time ppl say many things diffrents …some right and some not.”

Friend: “Not from experience.”

Commentary: (HELLO!!?? After having your vagina ripped to whatever degree by vaginal childbirth recently…do you really think you are going to push the envelope with anal?)

Woman: “Aha … you mean you dont do it  also. Its ok… anyway i cant stop do it . Becouse my husband … you understand ne.”

Friend: “No problem.”

Woman: “<3”

So what is the motive here? I am not entirely certain? Was she really just wondering, and thought my friend would know because of her other likes/interests, and her appearance? Was she just being a weirdo?

Either way…Let’s just not assume.

We all know the saying…”Making an assumption makes an ASS out of U and ME.